Time for the honest truth.... I am terrible at waiting. I didn’t think I would be. I have counseled and encouraged many a friend and church member who was waiting for test results, hard answers, better days, etc. I know all the right answers and verses in my head and I thought I was fairly patient. I enjoy the methodical careful plan that eventually comes to fruition just the way I imagined it. But that is SO far from the truth when it comes to adoption. I am impatient and frustrated. From my perspective, there is no plan and nothing is going the way I imagined it. Don’t get me wrong. Nothing terrible has happened. But, that’s just it. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I feel like I would be a better “waiter” if I could see what was going on. If I could watch the forward progress, no matter how minute it may be, I think it would help. If I could physically see that my agency is working daily on our behalf (although they do write frequently to assure us that they are). But, until we are matched, we have no access to what is going on behind the scenes. It could be years.... or it could be just days away.
I have been such a bad “waiter” that I have been trying to help God and my adoption agency do their respective jobs. I stare at the faces of waiting children on Reece’s Rainbow and other websites. When advocates ask, “where is this child’s momma?” I scream inside “pick me! pick me!” I have called the agency asking about different waiting children, asking about changing country programs, asking about anything that would speed things up. It is to the point where I would accept ANY child in the world. Just give me one! or two! I don’t care if they are boys, girls, black, white, green, or purple. I don’t care what labels the world has put on them or what their medical charts look like. I just want my babies!!
And so as I write this, I feel that maybe that is the point. Perhaps God is using the waiting to break me down to the point where I am willing to accept anything, no matter what, so that when He reveals our children to me, I will plow forward without hesitation and with unwavering determination. Somewhere in the world there are 2 more Fraleys that are waiting to be found and I am ready for whatever God has in mind. I pray that the Lord will prepare my heart and my family. I pray that I will learn the lessons that I need to learn and not have to “go around the same mountain twice”, if you know what I mean.
And......I am still hoping that tomorrow is the day that I will get that phone call that I have been impatiently waiting 6 months for.
-Julie
I have been dismayed at how terrible I am at waiting too!! I look at Joseph and other people in the Bible, and I picture them waiting peacefully with a smile (except for Sarah and Abraham -- they made plenty of trouble for themselves while waiting!). So, you have plenty of company! Hoping and praying you hear something -- and loving how you share your thoughts in the midst of it.
ReplyDeleteNancy
Thank you, Nancy. So happy for you that you finally had some good news and forward progress! Is it easier or harder the second time around? It is funny that you mention Abraham and Sarah to me... my husband used that example just last week and it is part of what prompted me to write. He asked if I wanted just any child we could get, or if I was willing to wait for the children that God promised for our family (ouch!! - for anyone else reading, please note that this is not about any child being better than any other or anything else like that - it is about my heart and my willingness to wait and trust God). Walking the line between waiting with patient trust and waiting with expectant hope can make one feel quite schizophrenic at times!! Both are good, but it is difficult to maintain a healthy balance.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement!